I had a visitor after Christmas. She is a very dear friend who seems to love me warts and all.
One of the things that we discussed was my time in a home for unwed mothers over fifty years ago. “Nice girls” don’t get pregnant. If they did, they were sent away to one of these homes.
She said that she had read a book called The Other Mother that described many of the things I went through. I had shoved so much of that down as it was a painful time to be pregnant, feel life growing within you and talking to your child knowing you would never hold her or even see her.
She sent me the book the next week. It took me a week to read it because it was so painful. One by one as it brought up stuffed hurts and pains. I took them to the Father. I understand better why I reacted the way I did on numerous occasions in the past half century.
I recalled all of the regimen of the home. Through the book I recognized how I been programmed to think. It was as if this baby I was carrying was a commodity to be carried and delivered. There was no help with the emotions nor the hole that would be ripped in my heart as I gave up custody.
That hole did not close as I exited the home and returned to “normal” life. My life was shrouded with guilt and shame which drove me into performance and drivenness to prove that I was okay.
When my child was taken from me, I made up my mind that I would never let anyone take any thing from me again. However, when I had other children, I can see now that I often held them at arm’s distance in fear that I would lose them as well. I can see how that fear spilled into other relationships as well.
Even when the daughter I gave up for adoption found me and we were reunited 20 years ago, I was so afraid that I would lose her again. It has made for a very tenuous relationship which is not my heart.
Fear is such a bully.
He needed to be taken out with the trash.
Perfect love casts out fear. I knew I had to receive more of the Father’s love. I saw how I held Him at arm’s distance as well. I used false comforters instead of Him.
We are body, soul and spirit. The book, The Other Mother, dealt with the soulish realm. It offered some suggestions that I would never endorse, but it, also, exposed those secret places where the enemy had taken up residence. I know how to serve fear an eviction notice. So I did one by one as each fear was exposed.
It was now my responsibility to deal with the other two realms- spirit and physical.
The physical side is being addressed with physical therapy and walking.
For the spiritual side I chose the Daniel Fast, a partial fast. I had destroyed my body by running to the false comforter found in sugar and carbs.
I chose the course taught by Susan Gregory. I have done the Daniel Fast before with little results for two reasons. On the Daniel Fast, the only drink you can have is water. You can splurge and add lemon, but that’s it. However, I would reason that since I drank my coffee and tea without sugar or anything, I could make an exception. The Lord showed me that those exceptions that I always made were nothing but rebellion. I had choose to fully submit. No exceptions.
I still make mistakes but I am choosing to pick myself up, brush myself off and begin again.
The second reason was I had almost limitless choices of vegetables and fruit, but I did not eat moderately.
I love that Susan asks you to take a week to prepare. You begin to wean yourself off of sugar, caffeine and meat. Because of this, I didn’t experience any of the headaches I generally experience those first three days.
There is a companion workbook. I committed to getting up an hour earlier than Ray to spend time in the Word. To give myself adequate time with the Word, study, prayer and praise, I gave up television for this 21 day Daniel Fast.
My spirit man is being changed through His love and the power of His Word. I have worked at a ministry for over a decade and have never felt so empowered by His love than I am now. Questions in my spirit are being answered. I have a ways to go, but I am hearing His direction.
Last Thursday I ran across a study on the Whole Heart https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/murray_andrew/two/two_note_f.cfm for God had revealed that I was not loving Him with my WHOLE heart. I had a divided heart.
This is a continuing journey. I have made numerous trips to take out the trash in my heart as this fast continues. I walk it out. I am sure there will be more trips. I do it without guilt or shame because that went to the trash as well.
I just want to encourage you to search heart and if you have any trash to take out, do it speedily. You can never be blackmailed for what you share in the light. You would be amazed at how many people have walked your path. Don’t let fear bully you. God’s love is so much bigger than any of your fears.